New post for August 30th.

It's been nearly a month. I apologize for that. I've been rebuilding my life and keeping fairly busy. My job is picking up meaning I actually get a full 40hr week this week. That is a major boost. We've been working 30hr weeks for so long that I had been so broke this month I had to sell things and beg from my aunt in California. My soon-to-be ex and her boyfriend moved to Rapid City last on the 18th. I'll never see her again, not like I had been seeing her anyway, it just feels a lot more final now. And you know what? It doesn't hurt anymore. If I wanted anyone, I could have a girlfriend right now. I actually had a girl ask me out last night, but I just have to be honest. I don't really want one after all. I am pretty sure I'm over the pain of Julie leaving me, but if I find myself getting close to anyone I get scared. Until I know why that is and deal with it I can't commit to anyone. I think I could get close to the right person maybe. I don't think the girl who told me she wants to date me is the right girl. I want someone with more common ground, someone who completely "gets me". See I don't want to just get into a relationship just to have one. I can't stand hurting people. So I'd be trapped into a relationship that I know is doomed, doing all kinds of stuff to make it work, just to not have to break up and hurt someone. So rather than go through that crap I just won't let myself get into one till I feel something. Right now I'm numb. I don't feel anything for anyone currently. Damn I'm not even really attracted to anyone, though a few weeks back I was but she was taken. I'm in no hurry though. For one I don't have any extra money to blow on dating. This divorce has taken me to the cleaners and back. It ain't even over yet. If she doesn't get off her ass and get shit done we'll end up in court. $$$$ I don't want that. Maybe I'll have papers drawn up myself. We'll see.

Update. sorry I'm late

I guess I should really write in here more often but I feel like its an audience of zero. No one cares! So I'm here at my dingy little hotel room, thinking about Christmas. Folks Christmas is 5 months away but the last 3 months have ZOOMED by. It will be upon me before I can react. I'm terribly homesick every Christmas, but I've always had Julie and could afford to drive home to Michigan for the past several of them. I had reliable transportation. This year will be the first year in probably 14 years that I have been utterly alone for the holidays. That's going to crush me. I have no chance of coming up with the 300+ dollars it will cost me to drive my huge van back to Michigan for Christmas. I can't expect them to come here either. That won't happen. Where would I put them? And at that age, make them drive in winter weather. Probably not. Julie texted she would "think about it" when I mentioned borrowing our Subaru to go home. I really doubt it, since she'll be living in Rapid City with her boyfriend by the 18th of August. I'm guessing the divorce is going to be final then but I'm not sure. She has yet to give me papers to sign or get with me to divide property. STILL. I have however, managed to go several days between messages with her, and they're more the 'hey hows it going' variety. I'm pretty much over her. For the most part. Once in a while I have a memory that causes pain and wistfullness but they're becoming much less frequent. She has every one of her friends convinced I'm the complete monster that wouldn't leave her alone. Screw 'em all. Honestly I'm sick of all the drama. Sick of the he said/she said he did/she did.. and the plethora of lies her family and friends heap on me. I don't want to talk to any of them anymore. I don't anyways. I never call any of her friends or family members and have not since probably May. WTF are they going to tell me that I didn't know from day one? Julie of course, she still maintains innocence "He's just a friend, he's just my roommate" hahahaha. A friend that she's moving across the state and quitting her job to be with. Gimme a fuc king break. A friend she is divorcing me to be with. Who's she fooling? For real? Anyway, rumors are also flying about me that aren't true. Supposedly I'm sleeping with this girl I met at the bar a few weeks ago. Now, yes I did meet someone but she has a boyfriend so I backed off. Way off. In fact I don't really talk to her. But she did call me tonight to tell me about the rumors my wife's family is spreading around. Like it concerns them anyway. I met a gal, shot a few games of pool, talked for a while and suddenly I'm having a fling. Would I hook up with her? Hell yeah. She's hotter than a forest fire. And I told her that if she found herself without a boyfriend to look me up. She pretty much ditto'd my sentiments.. But I NEVER pursue someone that's taken. Unlike other people I've grown to dislike..very very much. I guess I could think of worse people to be rumored about but what I hate is that it is causing her problems with her boyfriend. There's no need for that. I'm the bad guy? My wife has an affair and leaves me... but I'm the bad guy for just talking to someone? WTF?

Do girls like "Nice" guys?

Girls want "nice" guys?

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around . This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed around town and what I have learned from talking to friends and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of dateable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single. Most that outgrow this trend realize they want a nice guy now, to take care of the many children who aren't receiving child support checks from the assholes they slept with. Sad but true.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

What's Cookin' in Dan's Kitchen?

Carnitas! Dan-style..

You will need.. Salsa verde or green chili
Cut jalapenos and carrots
Pork cut into chunks
Tortilla wraps

Start with some pork cut into chunks. Heat up a skillet with whatever you wish to cook in, I used margarine since it was all I had handy.. Into that I put some salt/pepper and cayenne.. You can be creative. Fry up the pork while working on the Jalapeno / carrots if you have to cut them. mine come pre-cut but I remove the seeds and slice the peppers smaller.





When pork is mostly cooked I spoon in the green chili and let cook 'till done. Stir alot to keep the pork and chili from burning to the pan.



Once its cooked thoroughly go ahead and spoon it onto a wrap, cover it with some more green chili and the cut peppers/carrots. Wrap it up and eat it! Its amazing.

Longing

I laid upon the large flat rock
Wind blowing gently through my hair
watching the clouds go by so fast
It felt I was moving laying there
The sun was setting, growing cool
How glorious those old days were
Not the greying feeble old fool
that I've become now to her.
No harsh or biting words left out
No sparing any hurt or scorn
they fall on wounded ears those words
that leave my heart and soul so torn
I can do no right it seems
I can live with all the screams
but leave my childhood to me for now
I lay upon that flat rock, in dreams.

Dead rock stars

Which Dead Rock Star Are You? (pics)
Jeff Buckley You are Jeff Buckley! You're influential to many young and old, and very talented. You have charisma and grace that sets you a part from many. You are beautiful! Oh, he died in 1997 from a drug-induced drowning in the Mississippi River.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

and they're noticing.

I've had a couple good weekends. Last weekend our show on friday night was like an episode of girls gone wild. I had chicks dancing up on the stage and stuffing dollars down my clothes lol. What a fun time. While we were setting up someone asked our singer 'what happened to your old guitarist..Dan?" to which he replied "That's Dan" and he said he didn't recognize me anymore I'd lost so much weight. My confidence level is high. Everyone says I look great. I feel healthy again. Attuned. My doctor at the mental health clinic gave me a clean bill of health and says there's nothing else he can do for me. I feel alot better than in previous blogs. Acceptance is still coming slowly, but it's coming. I don't notice the changes myself but I see them in the eyes of others, and the others are seeing it so that's a good sign. The ladies are noticing too, and that helps me feel positive. I no longer feel that I'm too old to start all over. It's not something I would ever have chosen for myself. I wanted to grow old with the woman I love, I didn't choose this road for myself. Since I am on that road however, I'm going to make the best of it and live my life as fully as I can. I'm going to be happy and positive, confident and not let myself get down and depressed. Each new day must not become a lesson in futility but should become a new opportunity to excel. Until next time, gentle readers, thanks for tuning in.

Haunted?

Yep.. Haunted.
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

I put this under "dreams and supernatural" but really its not a dream. This apartment, has to be haunted. There's only 1 or 2 other people that live in these efficiencies, located under the Starbrite Inn Motel. And, when I get home from work after 2am usually no one is here or not awake. Sometimes I hear heavy footsteps going down the hall, from the staircase to my right, down to the other end. BUT no one came through the upstairs door, no one came down the stairs. Plus the hall is concrete. You can't make that kind of noise. Now, I'm in the basement so if it WAS upstairs, someone would be going THROUGH the walls from room to room to room upstairs. Impossible. Plus on the nights it happens there's only a couple cars outside and everyone is asleep. Then there's the oddity of my closet door. It's swollen, and hard to close so when its closed it is really CLOSED tight. It stays shut too, yank on it and nothing. But sometimes if its closed and I start falling asleep it opens with a loud BOOM!! like someone kicked it open. It scares the crap out of me so now I just leave it ajar and put a shoe there to keep it from opening all the way and giving me the creeps. Something in there just feels angry. I don't like to look in there when I'm trying to sleep. Also, things have flown off the shelf above the sink onto the counter, for no apparent reason. Shamppoo, the dish soap, my contact lense case sometimes. It shouldn't happen because the shelf has a 'lip' that keeps stuff in place. So I'm thinking, angry spirit. I'll have to see what I can do about it. Maybe find out the history of this part of the hotel.

No Regrets

No Regrets
Category: Blogging

This is dedicated to Julie, my wife and life partner for the last 13 years.

Knowing how this ended, what if I were given the chance to go back in time and do things differently, to avoid this pain. Would I? No. I do not regret knowing and loving Julie. The 13 years we spent together were the happiest times of my life. I can't remember a joyous and happy time in my past that did not involve Julie. This sounds trite, but until her I did not know what true love really was. She has showed me a love so powerful and deep that having it taken from me nearly killed me. I would not trade one minute of our time together for anything else. Together we built a life and a relationship others could only dream about and envy. In fact, most people did envy us. We were that good together. Every one of our friends told me "If there's one couple that would last forever its Dan and Julie." I loved showing her all my dreams and joys and exploring new things that we'd come to love. Discovering Manneheim Steamroller Christmas CD's together, they fast became a staple of our holiday season. She loved it as much as I do. We fell in love to the music of Yngwie Malmsteen, Nightwish, Within Temptation, After Forever, the list goes on and on. I don't know anyone else that so totally understands me, and loves so many of the things I love. We were soulmates, and I believe everyone only has one soulmate and Julie is mine. So completely in sync with each other that I don't know where I end and she begins. We could read each others minds at times. No, I don't regret anything at all. In fact, I thank God every day for giving me the time I had with her. Together we saw so many wonderful things, went so many places, met so many wonderful people. We faced trials and adversities together that would cripple many people and came through them stronger than ever in our love and in our faith in each other. I will miss very much our holiday travels together, her kisses each morning as she left for work, the way she pounced on my bed on fridays when I slept in and said "Lets go get dumpling soup!" and I would give anything to hear her tell me she loves me one last time. Julie was my best friend, I fell in love with and married my best friend. Things like that are supposed to last a lifetime. But somehow, along the way I failed. I only had one thing to do, to make her happy and somehow I failed. I failed my family, her family, and myself. I'm not sure how it happened, but I've lost the bets friend, best lover, and most loving and loyal person I've ever known and until I can sort out how it happened I can't go forward and risk losing anyone else. 2 months have gone by, almost to the day and I still cry every day at least once or twice. It just isn't getting any easier. I only wish it weren't so permanent. I wish it were only a separation that I could see in the future and ending to it and us reuniting, but it isn't so. One thing I'm very good at is taking all the blame onto myself, so that's what I do even if it isn't healthy. This is the last time I will write on this topic, because I think I've said all I can on it. Julie, wherever you are, and whether or not you see this, I wish you nothing but happiness and love. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed or what you were searching for, but neither do I want to keep you from finding it. I hope that someday, you will remember me with fondness and find some happy memories to draw from our time together, because there were many of them that I can remember. And I have only fond memories of you.

I need to shut up

I need to shut my mouth. Really. Just when there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon for me I erupted in a fountain of venom and spit daggers through the cell phone and most likely erased any hope of Julie ever talking to me again. If only I wasn't so damned hurt. Every time I think the pain starts to subside it returns. 13 years.. You don't erase that hurt with a bandage, baby. No sir. It takes a complete frontal lobotomy. I'd rather have a bottle in front-o-me than a frontal lobotomy. I've been the honest one. But I feel I'm being lied to now. There's more beneath the surface of this that is being kept from me, and if I put my head underwater to see it, life steps on my head until I gasp for air.

You weave your words into a fog, blind on hands and knees I crawl
It's like eating soup with a fork son. You aren't getting much at all
How long will you go hungry before you give up?
Perhaps a nice arsenic cocktail? You enjoyed the last one so much.
Thank you, may I have another?
There's still life left in my veins.
I talk to myself when I'm lonely but if I do it on paper, it's being creative.
If I do it aloud..
You are crazy you know that? 2 mols short of burning out your eyes.
Or maybe they are truly gone, this is just a clever disguise.

raising the flag

removed

So much confusion here..

I don't know what to think now. For nearly 53 days I had no communication from my wife at all. Now 2 days ago she wanted to make it very clear to me that she's not in love with the guy she's living with, and she wants me to stop telling everyone that he's her new boyfriend and she doesn't know why I assume he is? Well.. Because she left me and moved in with him that's why. She never talked to me once for almost 2 months that's why. How could I not? Why is that so hard to understand? Hell any sane rational person would have assumed an affair.. Right? Anyway she went on to tell me that she's concerned about my health, wanted to know how my counseling was going, told me she wanted me to get better. But she won't discuss anything else such as the impending divorce. So.. I don't know what to think. She felt it important for me to believe she's not in love with the guy she's living with, wants to know how I'm doing, wants me to be healthy and get well.. This doesn't sound typical of a woman anxious for a divorce does it? I'm starting to believe she maybe having second thoughts? Or is that wishful thinking. I asked her that, she won't answer. I should really quit torturing myself this way.

Done..done and done!

Well I learned a lot at the attorney's office. I can't really discuss the particulars here but suffice it to say I'm not nearly as worried now. I've done everything I can do now its in other hands than mine. Now its just a waiting game. Either she comes back or she doesn't. Either she talks to me or she won't. In any case I'm ready for whatever comes and I just have to use my time to make ME happy. Make a life for ME. If she wants to work out the property split with me to save the painful experience and costs of a full blow trial it would be in her best interests to do so. I'm right here. She knows how to reach me. I'm not going to fight with her. I doubt she will do the smart thing and talk to me though. She hasn't done a smart thing since she left. In fact she's done a couple things that are actually detrimental to her. I was allowed to call her, until such time as she told me "Don't call me again" which she never did. So I was safe there. I'm in no danger of "Disturbing the peace of the other party" or harrassment. Now I sit on hands so to speak. Get on with my life. I'm at peace today.

The Argument..

(edited)

I really miss my wife.

I know I'm not supposed to dwell on things that are past. It does nothing for my self esteem or my well-being. Someone I'll call "Doc" gave me some great advice the other night. "You have to get past thinking about things that are past, and what used to be, because that's not where things are at now!". Obviously there is no chance of rekindling, or working things out, or reconciliation because she put that restraining order on me that keeps me from being able to contact her in any way. I'm not allowed to "disturb the peace of the other party" so that's a grey area, but I'm guessing no calling her anymore since I got the papers. Since I cannot ever hear her voice again, I really really miss her. I got out all of the old photo-CD's, our annual christmas pictures, and just went through them all and had a big old self-pity party. I shouldn't do it. I know that. I am so bored here all alone though. All my friends are married with kids, families, lives of their own and most of them live far away. The rest of them, are more Julie's friends than mine. I've tried meeting new people you know, but when I go out (which I don't have much money to do anymore) I end up running in the same circles and talking to the same people. I'm in a rut. My strong intuition which is usually right, tells me that Julie has somehow snapped and isn't thinking clearly and will someday be really hurt by all this. I also think that will take almost a year so I know she's not coming back any time soon. I'm really missing hanging out with her, going to the store, having our Friday "Dumpling Soup" at Bonanza. I wish we were still walking together at riverside park, fishing and camping in the summer, we just had so much fun when it was the two of us. We were great together. She was the nicest, kindest, most loving woman I've ever met. I'm going to miss her forever. I know I should stop, but its so damn hard. I quit taking my paxil after just one week because it was messing me up. I still feel better than I did last saturday, that was the pit of hell for me, but I still can't stop thinking about Julie, worrying about where I'm going to live, how will I survive, can I find a roommate, I'm going to lose my car, on and on. My mind races all the time. And on top of it all, I found out she and her big indian boyfriend bought a car together Tuesday. So things must be pretty serious if she went in with him and bought a car, or bought it for him, or something. It'll be something I bring up when I talk to my lawyer.

Walking Papers

Well, it finally happened. Tuesday night the Sheriff brought me my divorce papers. She wants to charge me for everything and is suing for mental cruelty. I just don't understand the only thing cruel I've done is call dozens and dozens of times begging her to come home and telling her I love her. Now I Have to get a lawyer or go bankrupt.

The Truth doesn't set me free

The other night, friday night I found Julie. It took a long month of investigating and following leads but I found her. The next morning I tried calling there and got a threatening message back from her man about how if I try calling her again he was going to come over and "you won't like it when I'm done". Then my phone was shut off. So I had to go into town and get phone service and saw them coming out of the Alltel together. She then said "Your phone is done, and you'll be getting papers." So now I know the truth and I'm sicker than I've ever been. I'm going to have to find a friend to live with when this is all over I guess. I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm pretty scared.

Working for the Weekend

Yesterday I went to the clinic for Meds for my depression. The doctor was very kind and understanding, and they also did some bloodwork while I was there. He prescribed Paxil and Ambien. Paxil to calm my nerves and make me feel better, I'm not sure its working yet but it could take up to 11 days. Ambien will help me sleep because I rarely sleep anymore. The doctor told me "I know it seems like she's been gone a long time, and it feels hopeless but it really hasn't been that long, and things can change.". I sure hope he's right. I love her so much, and I miss her so much that I just want to waste away to nothing. I feel like I love her more now than when she was here, that just doesn't seem possible. If she comes back, I vow to spend every waking moment with her and leave this damned computer alone. It's so true that you don't know what you got 'till its gone.

Meds Meds Meds

I am going to the clinic today at 2:45 to get put on some meds hopefully, that will help me cope. I can't get this whole thing off my mind, and I get chest pains and can't breathe from all the anxiety. I learned something new today too. How can one person (me) feel so much pain and grief over a seperation and the other person feel nothing? Its because the one who is happy and in love, goes about life without any notion that there is a problem. The other one, is mending themselves and weening themselves away from you. Then, after a time when they are completely over you and have no feelings left for you at all, they suddenly leave. They're ready, and they go. Its not fair, it sucks, but its life. I guess knowing that will help me start healing. I can stop wishing that Julie will come home, because it will never happen. She doesn't love me, she was completely over me the day she walked out, and it will stay that way. It still hurts alot, but knowing that means I can heal myself.

When will it end?

I try hard to focus, but it still remains difficult to make it through a whole night of work. It never fails that around dinner time, when I'd normally go home and talk to my wife and have lunch, I know I'm going home to that damned empty house to let my dog outside, and pace the floor. The chest pain starts, tightness of breath, I damn near hyperventilate. She has utterly destroyed me. I would have to be some kind of monster to deserve the torture she's put me through but I am not a monster. I'm a good person who has gotten shit on.

So many questions

I know that she doesn't want me to know where she lives or her phone number. I could accept that too if I just knew she wasn't living with some other guy. I have to know that. Its driving me crazy not knowing whether she's in love with someone else, or living with some guy. Does she love me at all? Or not? And her family won't tell me anything at all they think they're protecting Julie by not telling anything. Honestly I'm not going to stalk her. I just need to know the answers to those basic questions. I feel I deserve to know. Its my right to know I've earned that right by giving her 13 years of my life and my love. Honestly I don't think therapy will be very successful with the basic question of "Does she love me" and "Is she in love with someone else" going unanswered. How can I decide my best course of action not knowing that? I've gotten a call from a job out in Michigan that I applied for. I could just call them back and I'd be on my way to Michigan to work and live at home. Doing this of course means I've completely given up on saving my marriage. So I hesitate hoping that something will change. That I will at least hear something. Anything. Do I go? Do I stay and try? How can I try with no communication. And I have my band to think about too. The two busiest months of the year are here now.

Julie's Song

For my wife Julie, who left me several weeks ago.Please come home Julie. I love you and I miss you so much.

Lyrics:
I can still see you smile, but I haven't done that for a while
Here I'm sitting in this empty place, I still dream of your pretty face
People may not see me cry, Lord I try
But I feel so dead inside, its hard to hide

You're like the air that I breathe, You're all that I need
And Lord I'm down on my knees, I'm begging God please
Please send you back to me
Please send you back to me

I've never felt so much pain... I may never be whole again
Feels like I'm torn in two.. I can't stop thinking of you
I take a drive tears on my face, I can't erase
The memories flood back again, Lord here I go again

You're like the air that I breathe, You're all that I need
And lord I'm down on my knees, I'm begging God please..
Please send you back to me
Please send you back to me

Completely Failed

I'm feeling pretty worthless right now. I failed Pastor Rich, who told me during our wedding day "She's one of mine. I want you to keep her happy, cherish her. She's one of mine". And I couldn't do it. My only job was to make Julie happy, and i failed. It should have been easy. Making people happy is what I do. I thought I was good at it. Somewhere I failed, I failed her family, and mine. Everyone loved Julie. When and if I get through this I'm just going to stay alone. I'm looking forward to the therapy if I can just hang in there 'till the 15th. If I can get well, and stop this depression I'm in I can maybe manage to face life alone.
On the plus side, I did get a job offer out in Michigan already so maybe I'll move. All I have to do is call them back and accept the job and I'm gone. Out of here. I have to think on that some more. Moving, would mean I give up on Julie because I know she won't move. I wish to GOD I knew what she wanted. I wish to God she would talk to me. Tell me is it really over? Does she not love me? Does she still love me? What does she want? Is there someone else or not? I have too many unanswered questions, and no one will tell me the answers. What. Are they trying to spare me the hurt? HAH! What could possibly hurt worse than what I'm going through in my own mind imagining the answers to these questions myself.

Not the news I was expecting..

Well Lewis and Clark just called and the soonest they can fit me in to see anyone is May 16th at 12:45. The soonest I can see the Med doctor for anti-depressants is may 29th. That seems so far away. 2 Weeks. 4 weeks. So in the meantime I guess I have this blog to vent and get my thoughts out. I have this big picture on my wall in the living room, that we got for a wedding gift. Every time I read the thing I bawl like a baby. Maybe when after lunch I'll write here what it says.

Sleep at last

I woke up today at 9am. Working nights that is still too early to be waking up but I'm expecting a call from the hospital. I slept about 6 or 7 hrs. That is really good for me lately, since I hadn't slept since probably friday night. I still feel tired but more relaxed and less anxiety than yesterday. I hope the hospital calls soon.

Here comes the pain

It never fails. I get home to this damn empty house and it hits me like a ton of bricks. The pain of being alone. She's not here, and she's all I can think about and I have no way of contacting her at all. I shouldn't contact her anyway I just need to leave her alone. Let me heal up first, then maybe she'll be receptive when/if she see's that I've taken steps to get myself healed and my problems taken care of. Now, in case you are wondering what those problems are they do not involve violence, or infidelity or abuse on my part. None of those things. They are more along the lines of my fantasy online game addiction, my inability to stop 'creating' in my head and making things seem real to myself. Later on, I really believed my wife was seeing someone. I cannot put into words how horrifically strong those feelings were/are. Right now I'm only writing to take my mind off my pain so if I ramble I apologize.
Its been 2 days since I slept, I really should try now. The hospital will be calling in the morning. -Later

Fix My Brain..day 1

The last 30 days have been enormously bad for me. I've seen 2 good friends put in the ground. And about 3 weeks ago my wife left me. I've had lots of good advice from friends and family. Do you think I can follow it? No. I can't shut off my brain. I can't stop thinking about her. I called her so many times she changed her phone number. I could find the new number but you know what? The phone is in her name, my phone and hers so her next step would be to cancel my phone and I don't want that. I'm scared though. I'm scared that I'm going to lose everything. She won't talk to me. She did leave me a 4 page letter that she says is NOT a dear John, itemizing all my faults and failures as a husband, and why she needs to get away. I have more faults than those. I've had alot of time on my hands to think about them all. Today I went to Lewis and Clark behavioral center and checked in, and I'm getting help. I do not like what I've become. I stood back and looked at myself and when did I become so jelous and insecure? Why for the last two months or more, have I become so scared that I was going to lose my wife? I never was this way. I think I drove her away just because of all the accusations that she had a boyfriend. Ironic and painful this revelation is. I'm an introverted person. I have what the therapists called an artist personality. I live inside my head, and have a very overactive imagination. Sometimes its difficult to tell what I only dreamed up and what is really going on. Is it happening? Or am I only thinking its happening? For instance my wife has met alot of new friends lately, who text her all the time. Since I didnt know who they were, for some reason I started thinking she was drawing away from me, seeing someone else. My God. Why am I thinking this? I was never like this before. Never. I've hurt the one person in my life who was my whole world, because I held on too tight. I've maybe lost her forever. It sickens me to see what I've done. I love her so much. My damn imagination and the images it flashed constantly in my mind, they tore me to pieces. I need to make it stop. And to make it stop, I need to get to the bottom of why it started in the first place. Maybe. Just maybe, if I can go back to being the real Dan again, my wife will come home. I only hope she will know I'm making this step out of love for her, facing my demons on my own, and see it for what it is. I hope I'm not too late. She's very angry right now. And she has every right to be. Tomorrow the hospital will call me, and the appointments will start. I'll keep this journal and write my progress.