Not safe for work

 Tina waited and waited for me to get off work

Tina just couldn't wait for me any longer

But I did eventually get there 

And she made me ...uh...suffer for being so late 

I miss her

I did something difficult yet necessary.  I took her to the regional mental health hospital.  She isn't currently my gf anymore but I love her the same.  She isn't capable of reciprocating,  but maybe the girl that loved me will come back to me.

Dear Lord

Saturday night will be hell.  My girlfriend is going to meet the man she actually loves, and the father of her baby,  and I am supposed to watch the kids and pretend she's at a doctor appt.  She will dump me when she comes back.  Possibly with him.

   Well, I have come full circle. I've chosen to move back into the tiny one room apartments that were my home during my last dark dismal time of my life. I pretty much had no choice this time, I'm in debt to my eyeballs and need to cut my expenses drastically to make it out of debt. I hope that I am in and out of here in less than a year. Last time it was about 9 months. i pray I can do this without needing anti depressants. 
Today I feel utterly abysmal. I can't stop crying and feeling like an abject failure. i know that eventually I will get back on my feet, and be able to make a life for me and the woman I love and her kids (which I also love), and I have to take comfort in that.  But still, I can't help feeling like a failure. Ann and I built something good together and I let it all go to waste. Lost it all. When I do finally dig myself out I vow to make better choices in the future. 

I often think of you, and when I do I am filled with a sense of longing.  The same longing which must be felt
by the autumn grass and the spring blooms, waiting for the melting of the snows so that they may once again see the sunshine. But it never arrives, and the suns warmth never shines, and I am perpetually alone with my memories. Those memories, they do not warm, they chill the bones.

The invisible man..

   I've blogged about this in the past, but it must have been on Myspace. Wow. seems like an eternity ago. Anyway. Invisibility.  When you're a heavy guy, like I have been the past 10 yrs or so, no one sees you. You essentially get 2 reactions if you're trying to talk to a woman. No reaction, as in she just doesn't notice you or take any interest in you at all, or , she looks anxiously around hoping no one sees her talking to you, or gives a look like you have leprosy and she's fearing she doesn't contract some horrible disease from being in close proximity to you. ALL of these things hurt, and all of these things are what we 'less-than'attractive' guys have to deal with on a daily basis.
   I play lead guitar for a popular local band. I'm pretty good. When I'm on stage with my guitar I feel like king of the room, and its the only time I get noticed by women. They'll flirt with me shamelessly , dance suggestively in front of me, but the minute I'm not on stage, and just a regular guy again, I'm either invisible or I have leprosy. Its a large reason for my wanting to transform my life, get healthy, get in shape, look great again like I used to. Give these shallow women out here zero reason to not give me a chance. Maybe my reasons are selfish, maybe they're all the wrong reason..but the end result will be the same. I'll be healthy, happy and look great. The rest will work itself out.   _LD_

The best of times the worst of tumes

Well, I got to know her after my gig at rounding 3rd last month. she came up and gave me her number, told me to look her up.. we starting going walks, talking etc. I liked her. Been hanging out downtown and stuff, taking it really slow. Then she came home with me saturday night after my gig. was a great night really, I thought, she was as into me as I was her. But then, I went to rding 3rd for lunch and she was there with that guy, and her back was to me, and I overheard her telling him that how into him she was and that all she has going on is a 'friend with benefits but nothing really"" (which, I guess, is maybe what I was. but not what I wanted to be) and was all over him later at cottonwood right in front of me. I didn't let it bring me down I was there for the music. And I guess I'll just slam the door on my heart and forget her.  I suppose I should be thankful that for 8 hrs I felt wanted and desirable and happy,  with a beautiful woman in my arms,  laying by me.  8 hrs of heaven before crashing back to reality. :-(