The last 30 days have been enormously bad for me. I've seen 2 good friends put in the ground. And about 3 weeks ago my wife left me. I've had lots of good advice from friends and family. Do you think I can follow it? No. I can't shut off my brain. I can't stop thinking about her. I called her so many times she changed her phone number. I could find the new number but you know what? The phone is in her name, my phone and hers so her next step would be to cancel my phone and I don't want that. I'm scared though. I'm scared that I'm going to lose everything. She won't talk to me. She did leave me a 4 page letter that she says is NOT a dear John, itemizing all my faults and failures as a husband, and why she needs to get away. I have more faults than those. I've had alot of time on my hands to think about them all. Today I went to Lewis and Clark behavioral center and checked in, and I'm getting help. I do not like what I've become. I stood back and looked at myself and when did I become so jelous and insecure? Why for the last two months or more, have I become so scared that I was going to lose my wife? I never was this way. I think I drove her away just because of all the accusations that she had a boyfriend. Ironic and painful this revelation is. I'm an introverted person. I have what the therapists called an artist personality. I live inside my head, and have a very overactive imagination. Sometimes its difficult to tell what I only dreamed up and what is really going on. Is it happening? Or am I only thinking its happening? For instance my wife has met alot of new friends lately, who text her all the time. Since I didnt know who they were, for some reason I started thinking she was drawing away from me, seeing someone else. My God. Why am I thinking this? I was never like this before. Never. I've hurt the one person in my life who was my whole world, because I held on too tight. I've maybe lost her forever. It sickens me to see what I've done. I love her so much. My damn imagination and the images it flashed constantly in my mind, they tore me to pieces. I need to make it stop. And to make it stop, I need to get to the bottom of why it started in the first place. Maybe. Just maybe, if I can go back to being the real Dan again, my wife will come home. I only hope she will know I'm making this step out of love for her, facing my demons on my own, and see it for what it is. I hope I'm not too late. She's very angry right now. And she has every right to be. Tomorrow the hospital will call me, and the appointments will start. I'll keep this journal and write my progress.
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