I really miss my wife.

I know I'm not supposed to dwell on things that are past. It does nothing for my self esteem or my well-being. Someone I'll call "Doc" gave me some great advice the other night. "You have to get past thinking about things that are past, and what used to be, because that's not where things are at now!". Obviously there is no chance of rekindling, or working things out, or reconciliation because she put that restraining order on me that keeps me from being able to contact her in any way. I'm not allowed to "disturb the peace of the other party" so that's a grey area, but I'm guessing no calling her anymore since I got the papers. Since I cannot ever hear her voice again, I really really miss her. I got out all of the old photo-CD's, our annual christmas pictures, and just went through them all and had a big old self-pity party. I shouldn't do it. I know that. I am so bored here all alone though. All my friends are married with kids, families, lives of their own and most of them live far away. The rest of them, are more Julie's friends than mine. I've tried meeting new people you know, but when I go out (which I don't have much money to do anymore) I end up running in the same circles and talking to the same people. I'm in a rut. My strong intuition which is usually right, tells me that Julie has somehow snapped and isn't thinking clearly and will someday be really hurt by all this. I also think that will take almost a year so I know she's not coming back any time soon. I'm really missing hanging out with her, going to the store, having our Friday "Dumpling Soup" at Bonanza. I wish we were still walking together at riverside park, fishing and camping in the summer, we just had so much fun when it was the two of us. We were great together. She was the nicest, kindest, most loving woman I've ever met. I'm going to miss her forever. I know I should stop, but its so damn hard. I quit taking my paxil after just one week because it was messing me up. I still feel better than I did last saturday, that was the pit of hell for me, but I still can't stop thinking about Julie, worrying about where I'm going to live, how will I survive, can I find a roommate, I'm going to lose my car, on and on. My mind races all the time. And on top of it all, I found out she and her big indian boyfriend bought a car together Tuesday. So things must be pretty serious if she went in with him and bought a car, or bought it for him, or something. It'll be something I bring up when I talk to my lawyer.