So much confusion here..

I don't know what to think now. For nearly 53 days I had no communication from my wife at all. Now 2 days ago she wanted to make it very clear to me that she's not in love with the guy she's living with, and she wants me to stop telling everyone that he's her new boyfriend and she doesn't know why I assume he is? Well.. Because she left me and moved in with him that's why. She never talked to me once for almost 2 months that's why. How could I not? Why is that so hard to understand? Hell any sane rational person would have assumed an affair.. Right? Anyway she went on to tell me that she's concerned about my health, wanted to know how my counseling was going, told me she wanted me to get better. But she won't discuss anything else such as the impending divorce. So.. I don't know what to think. She felt it important for me to believe she's not in love with the guy she's living with, wants to know how I'm doing, wants me to be healthy and get well.. This doesn't sound typical of a woman anxious for a divorce does it? I'm starting to believe she maybe having second thoughts? Or is that wishful thinking. I asked her that, she won't answer. I should really quit torturing myself this way.

Done..done and done!

Well I learned a lot at the attorney's office. I can't really discuss the particulars here but suffice it to say I'm not nearly as worried now. I've done everything I can do now its in other hands than mine. Now its just a waiting game. Either she comes back or she doesn't. Either she talks to me or she won't. In any case I'm ready for whatever comes and I just have to use my time to make ME happy. Make a life for ME. If she wants to work out the property split with me to save the painful experience and costs of a full blow trial it would be in her best interests to do so. I'm right here. She knows how to reach me. I'm not going to fight with her. I doubt she will do the smart thing and talk to me though. She hasn't done a smart thing since she left. In fact she's done a couple things that are actually detrimental to her. I was allowed to call her, until such time as she told me "Don't call me again" which she never did. So I was safe there. I'm in no danger of "Disturbing the peace of the other party" or harrassment. Now I sit on hands so to speak. Get on with my life. I'm at peace today.

The Argument..

(edited)

I really miss my wife.

I know I'm not supposed to dwell on things that are past. It does nothing for my self esteem or my well-being. Someone I'll call "Doc" gave me some great advice the other night. "You have to get past thinking about things that are past, and what used to be, because that's not where things are at now!". Obviously there is no chance of rekindling, or working things out, or reconciliation because she put that restraining order on me that keeps me from being able to contact her in any way. I'm not allowed to "disturb the peace of the other party" so that's a grey area, but I'm guessing no calling her anymore since I got the papers. Since I cannot ever hear her voice again, I really really miss her. I got out all of the old photo-CD's, our annual christmas pictures, and just went through them all and had a big old self-pity party. I shouldn't do it. I know that. I am so bored here all alone though. All my friends are married with kids, families, lives of their own and most of them live far away. The rest of them, are more Julie's friends than mine. I've tried meeting new people you know, but when I go out (which I don't have much money to do anymore) I end up running in the same circles and talking to the same people. I'm in a rut. My strong intuition which is usually right, tells me that Julie has somehow snapped and isn't thinking clearly and will someday be really hurt by all this. I also think that will take almost a year so I know she's not coming back any time soon. I'm really missing hanging out with her, going to the store, having our Friday "Dumpling Soup" at Bonanza. I wish we were still walking together at riverside park, fishing and camping in the summer, we just had so much fun when it was the two of us. We were great together. She was the nicest, kindest, most loving woman I've ever met. I'm going to miss her forever. I know I should stop, but its so damn hard. I quit taking my paxil after just one week because it was messing me up. I still feel better than I did last saturday, that was the pit of hell for me, but I still can't stop thinking about Julie, worrying about where I'm going to live, how will I survive, can I find a roommate, I'm going to lose my car, on and on. My mind races all the time. And on top of it all, I found out she and her big indian boyfriend bought a car together Tuesday. So things must be pretty serious if she went in with him and bought a car, or bought it for him, or something. It'll be something I bring up when I talk to my lawyer.

Walking Papers

Well, it finally happened. Tuesday night the Sheriff brought me my divorce papers. She wants to charge me for everything and is suing for mental cruelty. I just don't understand the only thing cruel I've done is call dozens and dozens of times begging her to come home and telling her I love her. Now I Have to get a lawyer or go bankrupt.

The Truth doesn't set me free

The other night, friday night I found Julie. It took a long month of investigating and following leads but I found her. The next morning I tried calling there and got a threatening message back from her man about how if I try calling her again he was going to come over and "you won't like it when I'm done". Then my phone was shut off. So I had to go into town and get phone service and saw them coming out of the Alltel together. She then said "Your phone is done, and you'll be getting papers." So now I know the truth and I'm sicker than I've ever been. I'm going to have to find a friend to live with when this is all over I guess. I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm pretty scared.

Working for the Weekend

Yesterday I went to the clinic for Meds for my depression. The doctor was very kind and understanding, and they also did some bloodwork while I was there. He prescribed Paxil and Ambien. Paxil to calm my nerves and make me feel better, I'm not sure its working yet but it could take up to 11 days. Ambien will help me sleep because I rarely sleep anymore. The doctor told me "I know it seems like she's been gone a long time, and it feels hopeless but it really hasn't been that long, and things can change.". I sure hope he's right. I love her so much, and I miss her so much that I just want to waste away to nothing. I feel like I love her more now than when she was here, that just doesn't seem possible. If she comes back, I vow to spend every waking moment with her and leave this damned computer alone. It's so true that you don't know what you got 'till its gone.

Meds Meds Meds

I am going to the clinic today at 2:45 to get put on some meds hopefully, that will help me cope. I can't get this whole thing off my mind, and I get chest pains and can't breathe from all the anxiety. I learned something new today too. How can one person (me) feel so much pain and grief over a seperation and the other person feel nothing? Its because the one who is happy and in love, goes about life without any notion that there is a problem. The other one, is mending themselves and weening themselves away from you. Then, after a time when they are completely over you and have no feelings left for you at all, they suddenly leave. They're ready, and they go. Its not fair, it sucks, but its life. I guess knowing that will help me start healing. I can stop wishing that Julie will come home, because it will never happen. She doesn't love me, she was completely over me the day she walked out, and it will stay that way. It still hurts alot, but knowing that means I can heal myself.

When will it end?

I try hard to focus, but it still remains difficult to make it through a whole night of work. It never fails that around dinner time, when I'd normally go home and talk to my wife and have lunch, I know I'm going home to that damned empty house to let my dog outside, and pace the floor. The chest pain starts, tightness of breath, I damn near hyperventilate. She has utterly destroyed me. I would have to be some kind of monster to deserve the torture she's put me through but I am not a monster. I'm a good person who has gotten shit on.

So many questions

I know that she doesn't want me to know where she lives or her phone number. I could accept that too if I just knew she wasn't living with some other guy. I have to know that. Its driving me crazy not knowing whether she's in love with someone else, or living with some guy. Does she love me at all? Or not? And her family won't tell me anything at all they think they're protecting Julie by not telling anything. Honestly I'm not going to stalk her. I just need to know the answers to those basic questions. I feel I deserve to know. Its my right to know I've earned that right by giving her 13 years of my life and my love. Honestly I don't think therapy will be very successful with the basic question of "Does she love me" and "Is she in love with someone else" going unanswered. How can I decide my best course of action not knowing that? I've gotten a call from a job out in Michigan that I applied for. I could just call them back and I'd be on my way to Michigan to work and live at home. Doing this of course means I've completely given up on saving my marriage. So I hesitate hoping that something will change. That I will at least hear something. Anything. Do I go? Do I stay and try? How can I try with no communication. And I have my band to think about too. The two busiest months of the year are here now.

Julie's Song

For my wife Julie, who left me several weeks ago.Please come home Julie. I love you and I miss you so much.

Lyrics:
I can still see you smile, but I haven't done that for a while
Here I'm sitting in this empty place, I still dream of your pretty face
People may not see me cry, Lord I try
But I feel so dead inside, its hard to hide

You're like the air that I breathe, You're all that I need
And Lord I'm down on my knees, I'm begging God please
Please send you back to me
Please send you back to me

I've never felt so much pain... I may never be whole again
Feels like I'm torn in two.. I can't stop thinking of you
I take a drive tears on my face, I can't erase
The memories flood back again, Lord here I go again

You're like the air that I breathe, You're all that I need
And lord I'm down on my knees, I'm begging God please..
Please send you back to me
Please send you back to me

Completely Failed

I'm feeling pretty worthless right now. I failed Pastor Rich, who told me during our wedding day "She's one of mine. I want you to keep her happy, cherish her. She's one of mine". And I couldn't do it. My only job was to make Julie happy, and i failed. It should have been easy. Making people happy is what I do. I thought I was good at it. Somewhere I failed, I failed her family, and mine. Everyone loved Julie. When and if I get through this I'm just going to stay alone. I'm looking forward to the therapy if I can just hang in there 'till the 15th. If I can get well, and stop this depression I'm in I can maybe manage to face life alone.
On the plus side, I did get a job offer out in Michigan already so maybe I'll move. All I have to do is call them back and accept the job and I'm gone. Out of here. I have to think on that some more. Moving, would mean I give up on Julie because I know she won't move. I wish to GOD I knew what she wanted. I wish to God she would talk to me. Tell me is it really over? Does she not love me? Does she still love me? What does she want? Is there someone else or not? I have too many unanswered questions, and no one will tell me the answers. What. Are they trying to spare me the hurt? HAH! What could possibly hurt worse than what I'm going through in my own mind imagining the answers to these questions myself.

Not the news I was expecting..

Well Lewis and Clark just called and the soonest they can fit me in to see anyone is May 16th at 12:45. The soonest I can see the Med doctor for anti-depressants is may 29th. That seems so far away. 2 Weeks. 4 weeks. So in the meantime I guess I have this blog to vent and get my thoughts out. I have this big picture on my wall in the living room, that we got for a wedding gift. Every time I read the thing I bawl like a baby. Maybe when after lunch I'll write here what it says.

Sleep at last

I woke up today at 9am. Working nights that is still too early to be waking up but I'm expecting a call from the hospital. I slept about 6 or 7 hrs. That is really good for me lately, since I hadn't slept since probably friday night. I still feel tired but more relaxed and less anxiety than yesterday. I hope the hospital calls soon.