So much confusion here..

I don't know what to think now. For nearly 53 days I had no communication from my wife at all. Now 2 days ago she wanted to make it very clear to me that she's not in love with the guy she's living with, and she wants me to stop telling everyone that he's her new boyfriend and she doesn't know why I assume he is? Well.. Because she left me and moved in with him that's why. She never talked to me once for almost 2 months that's why. How could I not? Why is that so hard to understand? Hell any sane rational person would have assumed an affair.. Right? Anyway she went on to tell me that she's concerned about my health, wanted to know how my counseling was going, told me she wanted me to get better. But she won't discuss anything else such as the impending divorce. So.. I don't know what to think. She felt it important for me to believe she's not in love with the guy she's living with, wants to know how I'm doing, wants me to be healthy and get well.. This doesn't sound typical of a woman anxious for a divorce does it? I'm starting to believe she maybe having second thoughts? Or is that wishful thinking. I asked her that, she won't answer. I should really quit torturing myself this way.

Done..done and done!

Well I learned a lot at the attorney's office. I can't really discuss the particulars here but suffice it to say I'm not nearly as worried now. I've done everything I can do now its in other hands than mine. Now its just a waiting game. Either she comes back or she doesn't. Either she talks to me or she won't. In any case I'm ready for whatever comes and I just have to use my time to make ME happy. Make a life for ME. If she wants to work out the property split with me to save the painful experience and costs of a full blow trial it would be in her best interests to do so. I'm right here. She knows how to reach me. I'm not going to fight with her. I doubt she will do the smart thing and talk to me though. She hasn't done a smart thing since she left. In fact she's done a couple things that are actually detrimental to her. I was allowed to call her, until such time as she told me "Don't call me again" which she never did. So I was safe there. I'm in no danger of "Disturbing the peace of the other party" or harrassment. Now I sit on hands so to speak. Get on with my life. I'm at peace today.

The Argument..

(edited)

I really miss my wife.

I know I'm not supposed to dwell on things that are past. It does nothing for my self esteem or my well-being. Someone I'll call "Doc" gave me some great advice the other night. "You have to get past thinking about things that are past, and what used to be, because that's not where things are at now!". Obviously there is no chance of rekindling, or working things out, or reconciliation because she put that restraining order on me that keeps me from being able to contact her in any way. I'm not allowed to "disturb the peace of the other party" so that's a grey area, but I'm guessing no calling her anymore since I got the papers. Since I cannot ever hear her voice again, I really really miss her. I got out all of the old photo-CD's, our annual christmas pictures, and just went through them all and had a big old self-pity party. I shouldn't do it. I know that. I am so bored here all alone though. All my friends are married with kids, families, lives of their own and most of them live far away. The rest of them, are more Julie's friends than mine. I've tried meeting new people you know, but when I go out (which I don't have much money to do anymore) I end up running in the same circles and talking to the same people. I'm in a rut. My strong intuition which is usually right, tells me that Julie has somehow snapped and isn't thinking clearly and will someday be really hurt by all this. I also think that will take almost a year so I know she's not coming back any time soon. I'm really missing hanging out with her, going to the store, having our Friday "Dumpling Soup" at Bonanza. I wish we were still walking together at riverside park, fishing and camping in the summer, we just had so much fun when it was the two of us. We were great together. She was the nicest, kindest, most loving woman I've ever met. I'm going to miss her forever. I know I should stop, but its so damn hard. I quit taking my paxil after just one week because it was messing me up. I still feel better than I did last saturday, that was the pit of hell for me, but I still can't stop thinking about Julie, worrying about where I'm going to live, how will I survive, can I find a roommate, I'm going to lose my car, on and on. My mind races all the time. And on top of it all, I found out she and her big indian boyfriend bought a car together Tuesday. So things must be pretty serious if she went in with him and bought a car, or bought it for him, or something. It'll be something I bring up when I talk to my lawyer.

Walking Papers

Well, it finally happened. Tuesday night the Sheriff brought me my divorce papers. She wants to charge me for everything and is suing for mental cruelty. I just don't understand the only thing cruel I've done is call dozens and dozens of times begging her to come home and telling her I love her. Now I Have to get a lawyer or go bankrupt.

The Truth doesn't set me free

The other night, friday night I found Julie. It took a long month of investigating and following leads but I found her. The next morning I tried calling there and got a threatening message back from her man about how if I try calling her again he was going to come over and "you won't like it when I'm done". Then my phone was shut off. So I had to go into town and get phone service and saw them coming out of the Alltel together. She then said "Your phone is done, and you'll be getting papers." So now I know the truth and I'm sicker than I've ever been. I'm going to have to find a friend to live with when this is all over I guess. I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm pretty scared.

Working for the Weekend

Yesterday I went to the clinic for Meds for my depression. The doctor was very kind and understanding, and they also did some bloodwork while I was there. He prescribed Paxil and Ambien. Paxil to calm my nerves and make me feel better, I'm not sure its working yet but it could take up to 11 days. Ambien will help me sleep because I rarely sleep anymore. The doctor told me "I know it seems like she's been gone a long time, and it feels hopeless but it really hasn't been that long, and things can change.". I sure hope he's right. I love her so much, and I miss her so much that I just want to waste away to nothing. I feel like I love her more now than when she was here, that just doesn't seem possible. If she comes back, I vow to spend every waking moment with her and leave this damned computer alone. It's so true that you don't know what you got 'till its gone.