no fire

I'm fueled by my passion and fire within me.  It gives my the drive and courage to accomplish things,  and make my music.  But my spark is gone and I can't get it back.  :-(

I miss my Muse

 Back in 2007 when I was going through my divorce, it was a very dark time in my life. I felt pretty worthless.  Late that summer someone came into my life, seeked me out, and forever reason, saw in me something that I no longer saw in myself. She made me feel like I was someone again, and singlehandedly repaired my broken psyche and got me my self confidence back. I don't even know if I ever thanked her. She was married, I couldn't be part of an affair, she went back to her husband, and that was ok. Still, she inspired some very good music. Now, 7 yrs later, I'm kind of broken again. I sure could use another Muse, someone that sees something worthwhile in me, and can get me to see it. I need some healing.

fake it til I make it

Its a clever deception you see. ...

They dont see how hard I am trying. ..

I show them the me they expect me to be. ..

They don't see that inside I'm dying. ..

self help

http://m.wikihow.com/Stop-Loving-Someone

Ugh

   I did it now. :(

Well 2 months ago I met this amazing woman. We went from acquaintance to pretty much the best of friends rather quickly. Thousands of texts, hours of phone calls, sunlit walks, late night talks, I eagerly awaited every word because everything just felt so... right. I adored being around her. I'd never met anyone like her before. But stupid me, I couldn't control my heart. I fell for her. Pretty hard. So stupidly, I told her, then crap got wierd.  We had one amazing weekend on the town together the beginning of april. I mean, it was just fun. So simple. We didn't have to try.  Then the next weekend wasn't so pretty. She went home with someone else and I went nuts about it. :( Which was lame on my part, she wasn't and won't be my girlfriend no matter how much I would have wanted that.    Trouble is , not hearing from her and knowing she probably won't ever be my friend like that again, hurts far worse than being just friends. I've been reduced to mere aquaintance status, if that. I know she needs time to get past what I did,. I just wish I had some big cosmic do-over. I doubt I can erase all the love I have, but I know that I can at least change it.. I've done it before with another great friend that I once fell for, and now we're amazing together.. I can do this again. I just need a chance. I only pray she can forgive me my shortcomings and see that I really am the same person she became friends with, and that we really can still click and have fun. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore, and I really liked talking to her. She's fascinating. I just want my friend back.

Cling to hope. Hold On Pain Ends.. Hope

Emptiness

  I wish I could find something to fill this emptiness inside me. I have my hobbies, I enjoy my Xbox games, I play guitar,  for all you about to jump on the church wagon, yes I have my faith. You see I don't have holes that those things can fill, because I've always had those things in my life. So I can't fill my life with more of those things I never lost. I love my job, I have the best friends in the world, I thank all of you who have shown me so much support. In all intents and purposes I'm happy, I have a full life, my finances are fine, I make more than enough to cover what I need to cover each month... but there's this huge hole in my heart where once love was, there's nothing now. I've never had this feeling before, this feeling of contentment, full of love, yet so utterly heartrendingly alone. I seldom sleep. Some nights I would trade everything I own just to be able to cling to someone 'til I could sleep. I hope that the hole doesn't become a scar that feels nothing. :(

The 2 weeks from Hell

January 7th, 2014. The day I lost the love of my life. I came home from work, and found her dead. I thought she'd just passed out on the floor, but when I went to shake her to wake her, she was cold. I called 911 and the rest of the morning was a blur of cops and coroners and interrogations. They say it was a massive heart attack. She'd had a chemical dependancy to prescription pain medications. Vicodin, Soma, 3 different anti depressants. I lost the real Ann almost 3 yrs ago. The woman who was still with me was seldom herself, but that doesn't make this emptiness hurt any less.