and they're noticing.

I've had a couple good weekends. Last weekend our show on friday night was like an episode of girls gone wild. I had chicks dancing up on the stage and stuffing dollars down my clothes lol. What a fun time. While we were setting up someone asked our singer 'what happened to your old guitarist..Dan?" to which he replied "That's Dan" and he said he didn't recognize me anymore I'd lost so much weight. My confidence level is high. Everyone says I look great. I feel healthy again. Attuned. My doctor at the mental health clinic gave me a clean bill of health and says there's nothing else he can do for me. I feel alot better than in previous blogs. Acceptance is still coming slowly, but it's coming. I don't notice the changes myself but I see them in the eyes of others, and the others are seeing it so that's a good sign. The ladies are noticing too, and that helps me feel positive. I no longer feel that I'm too old to start all over. It's not something I would ever have chosen for myself. I wanted to grow old with the woman I love, I didn't choose this road for myself. Since I am on that road however, I'm going to make the best of it and live my life as fully as I can. I'm going to be happy and positive, confident and not let myself get down and depressed. Each new day must not become a lesson in futility but should become a new opportunity to excel. Until next time, gentle readers, thanks for tuning in.

Haunted?

Yep.. Haunted.
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

I put this under "dreams and supernatural" but really its not a dream. This apartment, has to be haunted. There's only 1 or 2 other people that live in these efficiencies, located under the Starbrite Inn Motel. And, when I get home from work after 2am usually no one is here or not awake. Sometimes I hear heavy footsteps going down the hall, from the staircase to my right, down to the other end. BUT no one came through the upstairs door, no one came down the stairs. Plus the hall is concrete. You can't make that kind of noise. Now, I'm in the basement so if it WAS upstairs, someone would be going THROUGH the walls from room to room to room upstairs. Impossible. Plus on the nights it happens there's only a couple cars outside and everyone is asleep. Then there's the oddity of my closet door. It's swollen, and hard to close so when its closed it is really CLOSED tight. It stays shut too, yank on it and nothing. But sometimes if its closed and I start falling asleep it opens with a loud BOOM!! like someone kicked it open. It scares the crap out of me so now I just leave it ajar and put a shoe there to keep it from opening all the way and giving me the creeps. Something in there just feels angry. I don't like to look in there when I'm trying to sleep. Also, things have flown off the shelf above the sink onto the counter, for no apparent reason. Shamppoo, the dish soap, my contact lense case sometimes. It shouldn't happen because the shelf has a 'lip' that keeps stuff in place. So I'm thinking, angry spirit. I'll have to see what I can do about it. Maybe find out the history of this part of the hotel.

No Regrets

No Regrets
Category: Blogging

This is dedicated to Julie, my wife and life partner for the last 13 years.

Knowing how this ended, what if I were given the chance to go back in time and do things differently, to avoid this pain. Would I? No. I do not regret knowing and loving Julie. The 13 years we spent together were the happiest times of my life. I can't remember a joyous and happy time in my past that did not involve Julie. This sounds trite, but until her I did not know what true love really was. She has showed me a love so powerful and deep that having it taken from me nearly killed me. I would not trade one minute of our time together for anything else. Together we built a life and a relationship others could only dream about and envy. In fact, most people did envy us. We were that good together. Every one of our friends told me "If there's one couple that would last forever its Dan and Julie." I loved showing her all my dreams and joys and exploring new things that we'd come to love. Discovering Manneheim Steamroller Christmas CD's together, they fast became a staple of our holiday season. She loved it as much as I do. We fell in love to the music of Yngwie Malmsteen, Nightwish, Within Temptation, After Forever, the list goes on and on. I don't know anyone else that so totally understands me, and loves so many of the things I love. We were soulmates, and I believe everyone only has one soulmate and Julie is mine. So completely in sync with each other that I don't know where I end and she begins. We could read each others minds at times. No, I don't regret anything at all. In fact, I thank God every day for giving me the time I had with her. Together we saw so many wonderful things, went so many places, met so many wonderful people. We faced trials and adversities together that would cripple many people and came through them stronger than ever in our love and in our faith in each other. I will miss very much our holiday travels together, her kisses each morning as she left for work, the way she pounced on my bed on fridays when I slept in and said "Lets go get dumpling soup!" and I would give anything to hear her tell me she loves me one last time. Julie was my best friend, I fell in love with and married my best friend. Things like that are supposed to last a lifetime. But somehow, along the way I failed. I only had one thing to do, to make her happy and somehow I failed. I failed my family, her family, and myself. I'm not sure how it happened, but I've lost the bets friend, best lover, and most loving and loyal person I've ever known and until I can sort out how it happened I can't go forward and risk losing anyone else. 2 months have gone by, almost to the day and I still cry every day at least once or twice. It just isn't getting any easier. I only wish it weren't so permanent. I wish it were only a separation that I could see in the future and ending to it and us reuniting, but it isn't so. One thing I'm very good at is taking all the blame onto myself, so that's what I do even if it isn't healthy. This is the last time I will write on this topic, because I think I've said all I can on it. Julie, wherever you are, and whether or not you see this, I wish you nothing but happiness and love. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed or what you were searching for, but neither do I want to keep you from finding it. I hope that someday, you will remember me with fondness and find some happy memories to draw from our time together, because there were many of them that I can remember. And I have only fond memories of you.

I need to shut up

I need to shut my mouth. Really. Just when there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon for me I erupted in a fountain of venom and spit daggers through the cell phone and most likely erased any hope of Julie ever talking to me again. If only I wasn't so damned hurt. Every time I think the pain starts to subside it returns. 13 years.. You don't erase that hurt with a bandage, baby. No sir. It takes a complete frontal lobotomy. I'd rather have a bottle in front-o-me than a frontal lobotomy. I've been the honest one. But I feel I'm being lied to now. There's more beneath the surface of this that is being kept from me, and if I put my head underwater to see it, life steps on my head until I gasp for air.

You weave your words into a fog, blind on hands and knees I crawl
It's like eating soup with a fork son. You aren't getting much at all
How long will you go hungry before you give up?
Perhaps a nice arsenic cocktail? You enjoyed the last one so much.
Thank you, may I have another?
There's still life left in my veins.
I talk to myself when I'm lonely but if I do it on paper, it's being creative.
If I do it aloud..
You are crazy you know that? 2 mols short of burning out your eyes.
Or maybe they are truly gone, this is just a clever disguise.

raising the flag

removed