Emptiness

  I wish I could find something to fill this emptiness inside me. I have my hobbies, I enjoy my Xbox games, I play guitar,  for all you about to jump on the church wagon, yes I have my faith. You see I don't have holes that those things can fill, because I've always had those things in my life. So I can't fill my life with more of those things I never lost. I love my job, I have the best friends in the world, I thank all of you who have shown me so much support. In all intents and purposes I'm happy, I have a full life, my finances are fine, I make more than enough to cover what I need to cover each month... but there's this huge hole in my heart where once love was, there's nothing now. I've never had this feeling before, this feeling of contentment, full of love, yet so utterly heartrendingly alone. I seldom sleep. Some nights I would trade everything I own just to be able to cling to someone 'til I could sleep. I hope that the hole doesn't become a scar that feels nothing. :(

The 2 weeks from Hell

January 7th, 2014. The day I lost the love of my life. I came home from work, and found her dead. I thought she'd just passed out on the floor, but when I went to shake her to wake her, she was cold. I called 911 and the rest of the morning was a blur of cops and coroners and interrogations. They say it was a massive heart attack. She'd had a chemical dependancy to prescription pain medications. Vicodin, Soma, 3 different anti depressants. I lost the real Ann almost 3 yrs ago. The woman who was still with me was seldom herself, but that doesn't make this emptiness hurt any less.

Clever

You weave your words into a fog, blind on hands and knees I crawl
It's like eating soup with a fork son. You aren't getting much at all
How long will you go hungry before you give up?
Perhaps a nice arsenic cocktail? You enjoyed the last one so much.
Thank you, may I have another?
There's still life left in my veins.
I talk to myself when I'm lonely but if I do it on paper, it's being creative.
If I do it aloud..
You are crazy you know that? 2 mols short of burning out your eyes.
Or maybe they are truly gone, this is just a clever disguise.

Find a Mason jar. Fill it with three drops of blood the color of roses,
an ounce of excrement, a tuft of pubic hair, salt, bone-dust,
a single black tear. Seal this with hot wax and wait. Winter is coming.

Notify the next of kin. Have him carry your eyes
in his pocket like old pennies
and rub them sometimes, just for luck. If he's clever on Sunday
when the offering plate is passed, he'll know what to do.

Keep your breath on the window, a hair in the keyhole, your gold
tooth slipped under the door.
No one will remember you, but you don't know that yet.

Sadness Becomes Me

Your voice is faint, as you cry your crystal tears
Shattered dreams remain out of reach
Dying more each day, living out your years
Nothing more, can I teach

I dwell inside your heart, but the walls are closing in
Its tearing me apart, allow me this final sin
The voice you hear is mine, but let the screams begin
Your sadness becomes me…..

Look into my eyes now, don't let your gaze stray
You'll miss the point where the madness takes me
For if one moment I can't see myself in you
I'll lose myself, and you'll never find me

I dwell inside your heart, but the walls are closing in
Its tearing me apart, allow me this final sin
The voice you hear is mine, but let the screams begin
Your sadness has become me…

Waiting for Sleep

Sometimes I wish we could all step back
And Maybe we could call off the attack
I'm waiting for sleep but look into my eyes
You'll see that dreams aren't something I lack

I lay here, late at night in bed
staring within, into the air
hearing the lies, and the alibis
And wishing that I didn't care

And you with all the years you've known me
Did you think that you and I were just killing time?
Its just one more pitcher of change that life poured me
And I can't sweeten this one up, not this time

So sugar, grab a slice of lime we're having humble pie
Go work on that bedside manner with some other guy
I've heard them all, just give your number to the sheep
I'm going to close my eyes and quietly wait for sleep

I want..

I want to walk with you holding hands in the rain,
awaken in the morning fulfilled, not in pain
To have loved deeply and be loved not in vain
To feel content, relaxed, heart pure not stained
To kiss passionately, for hours, for days
To let love unfold in a million ways
Tonight it grows, tomorrow it stays
Kindled, unbridled, on fire, ablaze

Swansong

I hear you singing in the dead of night
Underneath the moon and starlit sky
frost on the ground sparkles with dim light
Melt those frozen wings and learn to fly

I'm carrying all my dreams inside,
riding on a single beam of light
Seeking only what lies beyond the tide
a destination for this moonlit flight.