Sadness Becomes Me

Your voice is faint, as you cry your crystal tears
Shattered dreams remain out of reach
Dying more each day, living out your years
Nothing more, can I teach

I dwell inside your heart, but the walls are closing in
Its tearing me apart, allow me this final sin
The voice you hear is mine, but let the screams begin
Your sadness becomes me…..

Look into my eyes now, don't let your gaze stray
You'll miss the point where the madness takes me
For if one moment I can't see myself in you
I'll lose myself, and you'll never find me

I dwell inside your heart, but the walls are closing in
Its tearing me apart, allow me this final sin
The voice you hear is mine, but let the screams begin
Your sadness has become me…

Waiting for Sleep

Sometimes I wish we could all step back
And Maybe we could call off the attack
I'm waiting for sleep but look into my eyes
You'll see that dreams aren't something I lack

I lay here, late at night in bed
staring within, into the air
hearing the lies, and the alibis
And wishing that I didn't care

And you with all the years you've known me
Did you think that you and I were just killing time?
Its just one more pitcher of change that life poured me
And I can't sweeten this one up, not this time

So sugar, grab a slice of lime we're having humble pie
Go work on that bedside manner with some other guy
I've heard them all, just give your number to the sheep
I'm going to close my eyes and quietly wait for sleep

I want..

I want to walk with you holding hands in the rain,
awaken in the morning fulfilled, not in pain
To have loved deeply and be loved not in vain
To feel content, relaxed, heart pure not stained
To kiss passionately, for hours, for days
To let love unfold in a million ways
Tonight it grows, tomorrow it stays
Kindled, unbridled, on fire, ablaze

Swansong

I hear you singing in the dead of night
Underneath the moon and starlit sky
frost on the ground sparkles with dim light
Melt those frozen wings and learn to fly

I'm carrying all my dreams inside,
riding on a single beam of light
Seeking only what lies beyond the tide
a destination for this moonlit flight.

Farewell to Yankton...Someday

If I play my cards right......... two years remain 'till I am long gone from Yankton South Dakota..

I will not miss it much. I'll miss my friends. I guess that's it. What I won't miss is being judged daily solely on my appearance. I won't miss the "Look" I get on weekends. YOU know what look I'm talking about. Say for instance I walk up to some woman at the bar and say "Hi".. First, she'll look around to see how many of her friends are watching. If any are watching, she'll give me the "Look" like I have leprosy, and ignore me completely. If, her friends haven't yet caught on, she'll say "Hi" in a non-descript manner, and then turn her attention to her drink or her friends, thus avoiding the apparent ridicule she would have experienced had she said hi to me, with her friends knowing. See, apparently I have no feelings. I'm not human, I'm less than sludge. If it were high school, I am the guy girls would shove each other toward as a cruel joke while yelling "YOU like DAAAN" and they'd scream and run and turn red.. Yep. I'm that guy. I still am I guess. And I can't wait to leave you all behind and go where this shell that scares you so much, doesn't matter. I'm sick of it. Really. I've been dealing with this, for longer than I care to admit. I can take being invisible. I can take going somewhere and leaving, without anyone even knowing I exist. What I can't take, is 'That look'. That look that if they talk to me they'll get leprosy or something. That "OMG THIS LOSER IS TALKING TO ME>>> HELP!!!" look. Fuck I'm sick of that. .. Very sick.
All that matters is what's inside. And that, my friends, is the music I carry. Fuck what you think matters. I don't give a damn.

Wow.. catching up to do.

(Repost from my myspace blog.. December)

Ah wintertime..
Category: Life

It certainly appears that winter has arrived here in South Dakota. It's cold, crisp, and a fresh shroud of snow and ice blanket the landscape, the buildings and the cars. It is a time of renewal and rebirth and for me, a time of quiet reflection as I think back on this year and what has happened to me. This year nearly every single aspect of my life was overhauled. Much of it was involuntary, and some of it was voluntary.

A) Wife Julie, gone
B) House, gone
C) Car, gone
D) Living quarters, changed
E) Job, changed for the better
F) New circle of friends
G) Attitude and view of self.. much better
H) Online gaming addiction, squelched and overcome

I am sitting here typing this and listening to Monster Magnet "Dopes to Infinity" album. "Negsonic Teenage Warhead" is gracing my computer speakers, albeit very quietly because I live in a hotel and it is only 6:15am. I went to bed quite tired but before midnight and so I'm up at the crack of dawn. This isn't good because I work nights, and I really ought to be asleep now and wake up no sooner than noon. I've been listening to a lot of what they call "Stoner Rock" lately. I like bands like Monster Magnet and Clutch and even early Black Sabbath. I'm not down with the stoner lifestyle by any means, I tend to stay away from that but I do love the music. I love seering, guitar driven, groove oriented power rock. That suits me.
I've settled into my new job pretty well, and I'm getting lots of hours. 50 hours this past week, and that means I can probably be out of this hotel by the new year. I pray so. Its hard to compose music in here, because I have to be so dratted quiet. I like to jam, and I like to jam LOUD lol. I can't even play my acoustic guitars here, because they're 12-string and loud enough to fill a house. While moving is pretty high on my priority list, i think part of me is going to miss this little place. I think back on what I've been through while living here, what I've overcome, and the wide range of emotions I've experienced here and I think it will always be a part of me. It has started to feel like home. I've had some highs and lows here that I haven't had anywhere else. It represents an epic battle against great odds and I've come through it stronger and better as a result of it. I MADE it. I owe much to this little room, cheap as it is, I was able to maintain a roof over my head and an internet connection to the outside world through some very hard times.
So here I sit warm and content, reflective and perhaps wistful, wondering about the rebirth of our world in the spring and I'm thinking to myself in what ways am I still going to be reborn? What is the next step in the evolution of the person I've come to know?

(Repost from January 9th.. myspace blog)

Ahhhh Life.
Category: Life

Full speed ahead.. That's the way life feels to me lately. 2007 is soon to be a distant memory. Some people vanished from my life and a few people came into my life. Everyone has done a part in how I've changed for the better. I'm in a happy place. I truly am. I'm blessed. I've got a job I really like, and its going very well. I'm making more money than I've ever made. I'm free to do anything I want. The only thing holding me back, is me. And really, I don't feel that I am. I've got goals, that I'm working toward. Ultimately I plan on moving to Tennessee, and being in the heart of the music working toward my goal of getting my music out there. I'm in the perfect place to do that, because my company has a huge plant in Chattanooga Tennessee where I can transfer. That's not far from Nashville, and Chattanooga has a huge music scene. Someday, maybe in a year or two tops, I'll be there. 2010.. Yessir. I'll be dots of the horizon. I know if I'm going to succeed in life then I have to do everything possible to achieve success. The only thing worse than failure is to not try at all. Nothing in life is given to you, you have work hard at it. I know this, and I've got it all mapped out for myself. Full speed ahead.. See you at the finish line friends.

(Repost from myspace blog January 17th)

Aaaah Life.. Vol 2
Category: Life

Tick Tock.. Tic-Toc. Click.. Click.. Click..

Wondering what you're hearing? Its the subtle passing of time, and patience rewarding me for not jumping.. and my life clicking smoothly into place. I don't have to wonder, I know I'm exactly where I need to be. Whenever a problem presents itself, the solution is not far behind it. I just have to wait patiently 'till I see it. "Don't move until you see it.. Don't move until you see it..Can you see it?" Lines from one of my favorite movies. "Searching for Bobby Fisher". So today I saw it. My ticket out of this hotel that I've been waiting for. A friend is buying a house in town, and selling her trailer contract for deed. Everything felt right, like it was handed to me gift-wrapped, and I knew this was the right time to finally act. So there it is. For about what I pay on this hotel rent, I'll have my own place. By the end of February, I'll be a home-owner once again, and no more super-sonic bat-hearing neighbors banging on my walls for watching t.v. after work. No more public shower stall. NO MORE! Maybe no more ghosts? One can hope. I'd thought I was going to be forced into moving out to Country Acres and renting from my previous in-laws. But that's not going to be the case now I'll be much closer to work, closer to the shopping spots, much farther from the bars.. but hey they make taxi cabs. And honestly I really need to stay out of them anyway. Time to save money for the big trip to Nashville in June. If I play my cards right, and buckle down for a few months I'll save enough for that guitar they'll be unveiling in June.. and bring home a Kramer Pacer. Yessss!! So sorry, downtown Yankton.. You'll not see much of Lightningdan this spring. But rest assured I'll be back someday. I have to get my ducks in a row now. I just sit back, and watch and wait until my next move feels right. I'll know it when I see it. "Don't move until you see it... Do you see it?"